How to improve relationships with your loved one. How to improve relationships with loved ones: useful tips Improved relationships

Is your relationship on the verge of breaking up, and any attempt to talk ends in a new quarrel? Mutual insults and reproaches, like a snowball flying from a mountain, capture new facets of your life. Each of the partners, blinded by the words spoken in the squabble, tries not to remain in debt. So, divorce and the end of happiness, or is there a recipe for how to improve relationships with your beloved man?

Most married couples go through a crisis of misunderstanding. It is not always possible to avoid a stormy showdown, but it is quite possible to minimize the risks of negative consequences.

Regardless of what caused the fight, try to maintain your composure. Do not stoop to banal insults and shouts, be on top. If once again the desire to discuss the problem translates into a showdown, let the situation go for a while.

Accept as an axiom, the psychology of a man and a woman are two only occasionally coinciding realities. If you do not try to admit that your husband does not want to deliberately offend you, but simply protects his ego from attacks, then nothing will work.

Has your always intelligent, smiling spouse turned into a brawler, starting a squabble on any occasion? It's time to seriously think about how to mend a relationship with her husband on the verge of breaking up.

Disconnect from emotions by seclusion, try to understand the deep meaning of what is happening. Write your thoughts down on paper. Do not start listing the negative qualities of a man: selfish, does not keep his word, does not help around the house, does not work with the child. Nothing good will come of it. For something you fell in love with him!

When you find a "string", by pulling on which you gradually begin to unwind the ball of misunderstanding and unravel the knots, everything will go well. At first glance, the task seems impossible.

Psychologists have come up with a method called goal decomposition or "how to eat an entire elephant"? Try to break down a global problem into many small ones. Find out if everything is fine in the family, considering various aspects - mutual understanding, solving everyday problems, sex, rest, relationships with parents, your appearance... Give yourself an honest answer to the questions: Are you doing everything right? In order not to wonder how to improve relations with a man in the future? Decide whether it is important for you to stay right in everything or the harmony of family relationships?

Under all circumstances, it is important to take responsibility for yourself. "If the cause of the current situation, albeit indirectly, was me, then it is in my power to fix it." Taking the first step is not a weakness. It's much easier to blame everyone around you than to admit your own mistakes.

But you are only responsible for your own mistakes. If your spouse unfairly accused you, and you answered him with rudeness, there is part of your fault in what happened. But this only applies to conflicts. Unrestrained drunkenness, aggression, domestic violence should not be forgiven. Raising his hand once, the man will try again.

Building relationships after an argument

There are happy people who always remain children. Remember how the kids behave after being scolded. A couple of minutes will blow, and again a hundred questions per minute, hugs and laughter. Try to understand how dear this person is to you, and are you ready to accept him for who he is, without abuse and accusations?

Learning to think logically in an emotionally negative state is difficult. Often in the daily hustle and bustle we forget that next to us is an extraordinary person - a clever, talented, merry fellow, a master of surprises. Remember what your early days were like, how your eyes shone when you accepted his courtship.

When everything is working out, explain that it is foolish to waste time quarreling when you can laugh merrily as you walk hand in hand through life. In the meantime, suggest not discussing the problem for a while, and not finding out who was wrong.

Visit your friends or parents. After all, you do not want to flaunt your problems in a fun company, and you should not upset your parents, participation in a general conversation will help you overcome the barrier you have built. Laugh at his jokes, talk, praise, touch. You have the best husband in the world, and you can think of thousands of excuses for your loved ones!

How to improve relations with your husband after the birth of a child? Try to smile at him more often. Don't tell me you're tired. Ask to be with the baby when you go to the clinic or hairdresser, and leave your husband and beloved child for four hours, but do not forget to call and ask if everything is all right? Dad will understand that you did not become cold to him, but are busy with the most important work in the world.

Building relationships at a distance

This is the hardest problem. After all, only verbal communication and correspondence remain at a distance, you cannot see the sparkle in your eyes, and a tear rolling down your cheek, you cannot touch and hug. Quarrels and inability to find a common language often lead to a breakup.

It is very difficult to restore the former harmony. How to improve a long distance relationship with a guy after an argument? It is worth keeping quiet for a couple of days, the risk of mutual claims is great. By sending an SMS "How are you?", You show concern. You have passed your half way, now the reciprocal move of your partner.

Building relationships after cheating

The condition of a woman who finds out about treason is understandable. Resentment, pain, anger. Does it make sense to continue the relationship or urgently file for divorce? Take time out, just be quiet. Don't go into the details, it can hurt even more. Try to figure out why this happened? If you are pregnant or have recently given birth to a baby, your husband simply lacked sex.

Having calmed down a little, ask your spouse a question: what next? If he blames himself, asks for forgiveness, perhaps it is worth thinking about how to improve family relations with her husband? It takes time to survive cheating.

A common mistake women make is to withdraw into themselves and think that something is wrong with you. Everything is all right, you are smart and beautiful, just a little tired of worries. Your spouse has decided to assert himself in someone else's bed. A midlife crisis often manifests itself in this quest to catch up.

Are you ready to forgive? Nobody is a decree to you, only you make the decision. If you decide to forgive sins, remember one thing - henceforth, never remind your spouse of his misdemeanor, do not try to keep “on a short leash” with the help of his feelings of guilt. It is unlikely to help improve the relationship.

A family can hardly be called complete without harmonious sexual relations. How to make yourself go back to bed with your husband? Throwing to the other extreme and trying to show herself as a woman who masterfully owns the secrets of a man's satisfaction is also hardly appropriate.

Treat cheating as an experience with painful consequences. If your spouse is said to have gone to the left, it will be a little easier for you to return to normal than when he had a long-term relationship. Such circumstances have a destructive effect on the female psyche, and often lead to a break.

Building relationships after breaking up

It so happens that after parting, a woman suddenly realizes that life without a loved one is not a joy, there is emptiness in her soul, the sun does not shine so brightly, coffee has the wrong aroma, and in the evening she does not want to go out anywhere. Even if after a couple of months you are looking for meetings, get bored, pester with questions from mutual acquaintances, then you should try to return the relationship.

Before taking any action, try to honestly answer the question: was the breakup the logical end of the relationship or the decision was made under the influence of emotions as a result of a squabble? After the quarrel, you cooled down and understood the feelings did not disappear? Take advantage of step by step instructionshow to get the guy back?

Call. It's not easy to meet face to face after a breakup. There is a possibility that the reaction may not be at all what was expected. Write an SMS or dial a familiar number.
If you are welcomed, say that you would like to meet.

Perhaps, questions will follow: for what purpose, what do you want, what do you hope for? Let them pass, all at the meeting. Further steps depend on who was the initiator of the breakup. Are you the first to say the key word? Then you have to take the blame and say you're sorry.

Memories are an important element of any relationship. Remind him of the funniest moments together, it always evokes warm feelings. Did the guy offer to meet again? Then you are on the right track. Enchant, do not hesitate to talk about feelings, laugh, and everything will work out.

• Aries are very patient and good-natured by nature. The partner's mistakes are usually easily forgiven and forgotten forever.
• Taurus are touchy and stubborn. Even if a man continues to love his soul mate, it can be difficult to restore former trust after a quarrel.
• The attempt to return Gemini will be met with a resolute rebuff on the verge of hatred. With your words, you have inflicted a mental wound and there is nothing to talk to you about. We must wait. The guy will cool down and speak himself.
• Cancer should be handled with care, like a fragile glass vase. To gain trust again will have to work hard.
• Leos are demanding of themselves and their partner. The man will rush to help if you need it, but he will not rush to return to the old relationship.
• Virgos strive for perfection in everything. If something in you does not suit your partner, you will have to work on yourself.
• Libra does not make unnecessary gestures, they are always ready to listen before making an informed decision.
• Scorpios are impulsive. They are ready to disassemble a casually thrown phrase and accuse you of inflicting a universal offense. It is worth waiting a little, trying to explain that there was no secret intent, and soon everything will work out.
• To fall out with a Sagittarius, you have to try hard. He always treats someone else's point of view with understanding. The cup of Sagittarius' patience is enormous, but if the last drop falls into it, he leaves, burning bridges.
• Capricorns rarely step back, and decisively break off relations, not giving a second chance.
• Aquarius is a very difficult and wayward sign. He takes care and attention, but is in no hurry to reciprocate, although he knows in advance how everything will end.
• The best strategy in dealing with Pisces is to let go of the situation, but be close. They do not tolerate any pressure.

Common female mistakes

If you want to improve relationships, then the first thing to do is understand, forgive, accept. On the path to happiness, do not repeat other people's mistakes.

• Learn to forgive.
• Admit your mistakes, do not blame your spouse.
• Accept criticism.
• More positive, try to see the good in everything.
• Let everyone be yourself. Don't try to fix or improve anyone on your own.
• Be sincere.
• Learn diplomacy.
• Never, even in the heat of an argument, insult your partner.
• Husband offended you, do you want to talk? Do not need. But it is necessary to wish good morning or say hello in the evening when you come home from work.
• Criticize not a person, but an act.

And most importantly - don't forget to talk about your love!

Greetings to all! Today I want to tell you how to improve relations with your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend. The basis for this article served, which was supported by my readers.

I asked them to email me about their relationship problems and based on their answers, I tried to present in this article the most common relationship problems in couples. I also drew on my past mistakes in life with my wife. From these mistakes I drew conclusions, which I will gladly share in these rules.

Rule 1 - Take responsibility for yourself

We've all heard a lot about the importance of being able to take responsibility in a relationship. And what disasters does it lead to when partners begin to push the blame for their actions and words onto another person or blame the circumstances for everything.

But for me, accepting responsibility means not only openly admitting my guilt, but, most importantly, it means being ready to fix what happened through your fault. People who blame their partner or someone else for their troubles, but not themselves, simply capitulate to difficulties, I give up. "It's not my fault, so I can't do anything about it!"

But to take responsibility means to come to the conviction: "Yes, it happened because of me, so I can influence it!"

I understand how hard it can be to admit to your partner that you made a mistake, that you could have done better than you did. And it is most difficult to do this in those moments when your pride is hurt. But if you don't, then you will turn away from the problem and it will hang, unresolved, in the space of your relationship.

You subconsciously feel that by admitting mistakes, you are showing weakness. But in reality, taking responsibility, stepping over your wounded pride and self-esteem, you show real strength! Because it's so much easier to blame someone else than to admit your mistake! The desire to point out the true causes of the problem and correct them, even if these reasons were created by you, is a sign of true courage and wisdom.

Where does your responsibility in a relationship begin and end? I believe it goes much further than many of you are used to thinking. You are responsible not only for your actions, but also for your reaction to events.

If your wife pissed you off with her unfair accusation, and you offended her in return, then it is not only your wife's fault that she began to unfairly accuse you, but you. Your responsibility lies in the fact that you could not control yourself and brought you to a scandal, although you could have solved the problem more calmly. You are a free person and you are responsible for your reaction, no one can make you angry, irritated and lose your temper. Only you lose your temper.

If your husband does not want to give up his bad habits, despite your assurances, think, maybe you pressed him too much, accused him, instead of being understanding and offering a way out of the problem?

But taking responsibility doesn't mean blaming yourself for everything. It means coming to realize how much you and your partner can participate in solving the problem, rather than turning away from it. In the examples above, both partners are responsible for the problem. And believe me, if you take on part of your responsibility, and do not completely blame it on your partner, then it will be much easier for your partner to realize your own participation in the problem.

Agree, there is a big difference between:

“How tired of you constantly blaming me for everything! You cannot live without your claims! "

“I think my mistake is that I lost my temper, I shouldn't have yelled at you and provoked a conflict. Your accusations are probably not groundless, but you are expressing them in a very aggressive manner, and it seems to me that they are somewhat unfair. Let's deal with this. I don’t need to shout, but you need to learn to express your opinion calmly. ”

I am not saying that both spouses are to blame for every conflict. I'm trying to tell you how important it is to solve every problem in the family together! After all, relationships are not only about you, they also concern the other person. And if both partners do not take active part in the relationship, then such a relationship will fail.

And if you and your partner fail to share responsibility for the conflict, then use a good rule. Instead of arguing over who is right and who is wrong, ask each one of yourself: "What can I personally do to correct the situation?" Believe me, if each of the partners is guided by this simple principle, then it will be much easier to develop your relationships and find a way out of problem situations.

Rule 2 - Don't ignore conflicts

I know how much I want, after the ardor of the quarrel has passed, to hug, give rest to tense nerves and calmly forget about what caused the conflict until the next similar one occurs. Don't make this common mistake in your relationship! Yes, give yourself time, calm down, make peace, but then return to the analysis of the causes of the conflict. Why did it happen? Who is responsible for it? How can you personally and your spouse or spouse solve this problem?

But don't get attached to the temporary excitement caused by the truce. Now you want to act, but soon your ardor will pass. In order not to give up and not return to ignoring the problem. Discuss as concretely as possible each other's actions to resolve the conflict. When will you start these steps? What will these actions be? What approximate time frames for overcoming the problem do you see?

If any of you are constantly losing your temper and showing excessive emotionality, start practicing practices that help balance your emotions, such as yoga or.

If the conflicts are due to the bad habits of the spouse, then find a way to help the person to get rid of these habits. But let the one who will fight the addiction will not be left alone! Let him see understanding, love and willingness to provide any support from his partner.

Don't just dwell on what you know. If you do not know a way to solve your problem, this does not mean that such a way does not exist. If you really want to overcome some difficulty, you will find how to do it. Because the one who seeks will always find! And only laziness creates all obstacles.

Resolve conflicts constructively instead of yelling at each other and then hugging and forgetting everything until the next fight.

Rule 3 - Be less offended and be forgiving

Resentment in a relationship serves as a way to influence your partner: "Look how bad you did, so I won't talk to you"... Or it could be a way of revenge: "For the fact that you did this, I will take offense at you"... The danger of resentment is the same as the danger of passionate reconciliation, after which we forget about what caused the conflict. Emotions slowly subside, resentment passes: after all, we cannot be angry forever. And sometimes it seems to us that we have already solved the problem with our insult. Or we have demonstrated to our partner how hurt we were, and now we think that he will understand everything and correct himself. Or we have withstood the "preventive" period of lack of communication with each other, during which, as it seems to us, our relations have recovered by themselves and can continue further.

But this is a deceiving feeling, moreover, it can be not only for you, but also for your partner. Neither you nor he will want to return to a conflict that seems to have already been passed.

But it is always better to go back to the causes of the conflict, as I said in the previous paragraph. If you want to influence your partner, it is always better to do so in the form of a calm, constructive dialogue than resentment. Revenge certainly won't make your relationship better.

Some people are also offended by the fact that they unconsciously understand the absurdity of their claims, understand that it is better not to express them directly, but to be offended and not to say what, this is just right! Avoid these games! Generally avoid any methods of manipulating your partner's feelingsone of which is resentment.

But even if you are offended, then be able to forgive!

Rule 4 - Admit your guilt

It can be very important for your partner that you admit your guilt and sincerely repent. Even after the conflict has exhausted itself, and you are reconciled, do not be lazy to apologize, say how sorry you are if you feel your own mistake. Forget that before that you defended yourself with ardor and did not want to admit responsibility, step over your pride and say that you were wrong. But just do it with a pure heart and sincere intentions!

Don't do it as a favor or present it as a generous and noble act, expecting your partner to immediately prostrate before your remorse. Be prepared that your apology may be greeted coldly and without enthusiasm. You should not react to this as if your noble gesture was not appreciated. Believe me time will pass, and your remorse will fall into the coin box of your relationship!

Rule 5 - Listen to another, learn to take criticism soberly

In the midst of a conflict, when partners exchange accusations and claims, no one really listens to anyone. Each of the parties to the conflict is in a state of attack or defense, but not perception and understanding. Our psyche is arranged in such a way that we first of all try to defend ourselves from criticism, find contradictions in it, find the most convincing refutation or respond to it with criticism. The problem is that we do not always think about how it is in reality, we do not see the truth, obeying the ancient psychic mechanism. And we think that since it seems to us that we are right, it means that we are really right.

Try to change these habitual patterns and instead of immediately looking for another counter-argument in a quarrel, think how thorough the criticism addressed to you is? Try to distract yourself from your resentment and irritation. Don't let your offended Ego run ahead of you like a man stung by a bee.

The ego stung by the criticism makes you think: "I feel I have been offended, I must answer." It prevents you from looking at the problem from the perspective of another person. But if we first of all try to imagine how the other person sees everything, then we will become much more objective and better understand our partner, therefore, not so sharply react to criticism and perceive it more soberly.

Just take time out, calm your emotions, let the wounded pride shut up, which again and again brings you back to the wrongs of your "I". And calmly concentrate on your partner, try to move as if mentally into him. How does he see the situation in the context of what you know about him and your relationship history? Why is he criticizing you? What are his reasons for this? How does he react to any of your actions, how does he feel? Does he himself allow such actions in relation to you? How would you feel if you were treated like this?

During this mental exercise, your Ego will like a magnet to draw your thoughts back to itself, to the "I" position, as soon as you notice this, smoothly transfer your attention to the "OH-SHE (She feels, she wants)" position. When you try this, you will understand that it is not at all easy to go beyond your I, your desires and put yourself in the place of another person. But everything comes with experience and you can learn to change your egocentric perception of everything over time.

I cannot say that this exercise will necessarily lead you to the fact that you will only see your own fault in what happened. No, you will simply begin to understand your partner better and take criticism more soberly.

Also ask yourself this question: How can criticism help you? Yes, just help. Listening to criticism means not taking it as a way to lower your dignity or lower your self-esteem. This is an opportunity to get an idea of \u200b\u200byour shortcomings, weaknesses, or understand how your partner perceives you.

Imagine that you came to the doctor for an examination and he tells you: “You have bad posture, excess weight and high cholesterol levels "... It is not very wise to answer him: "Look at yourself, but you yourself are not very slim!" Of course, it will be right to listen to the doctor's words and follow his recommendations, for example, eat less fatty foods and go to the gym.

But why can't we always listen to the words of our soul mate, even if they relate to our character and personality? After all, we can also change it, find out our shortcomings and get rid of them, just as we can correct problems with being overweight. Understand that criticism is not meant to remind you of your weaknesses, it gives you the opportunity to improve, become better!

Of course, it is not always adequate. But if it does not correspond to reality, what is the use of being offended and worrying? And if it is true, then all the more you should not react with accusations in return! Most often there is a mixed version: criticism becomes exaggerated, reinforced by emotions and resentment, embellished with speculation. And the true wisdom of a relationship is to be able to isolate what is truly true from it and use that to better understand yourself. And at the same time, do not react to empty and unfounded accusations.

I will explain everything said in this paragraph with an example from my family life. My wife sometimes tells me: "You never listen to me", when I, once again buried in my work, let her words deafen.

Of course, my I does not accept such a harsh formulation: "Never!" (this is not true!) and begins to defend himself. My first reaction was usually: "Yes, you are exaggerating everything, you just distract me, I cannot quickly switch when I work, you yourself cannot find the moments when it is better to contact me"... But when you try to distract yourself from your self, a slightly different picture emerges.

Indeed, often, when my spouse addresses me, I do not react, even if I am not busy with work, but just think about something ( i consider this conflict in the context of relationship history to understand how she perceives it). Have I noticed such a reaction on her part ( does she do that)? When I talk to her, most often she listens to me. But if she constantly ignored my words, then I probably would be offended ( what if I were in her place?). And resentment causes emotions because of which she says: "You never listen!" ( how does she feel?) Of course, this is an exaggeration, I often listen to what she is trying to tell me. This exaggeration is caused by feelings, but these feelings can be understood. Probably, I need to be more attentive and learn to listen to my spouse when she talks to me, and not hover in my thoughts. I'll just become more attentive in life if I learn to listen to it ( how does it help me become better?).

Rule 6 - Pay attention to the positives

It just so happens that we gradually get used to the merits of our other half. They become a reality for us, and we basically begin to notice flaws. These disadvantages are seen especially clearly in comparison with other pairs. After I lived for several years with my future wife, I began to think that we might not fit together, that we are different in many ways. I became obsessed with differences and shortcomings, and at one time it seemed that they represented the single and most significant problem.

And only after a few years I realized how much, in fact, we have in common. And this commonality and similarity manifests itself in such basic things that you quickly get used to them, and sometimes it is difficult to see, especially if you start thinking only about the differences and shortcomings of your partner. And the nuances, they are the nuances, to stand out against the background of general patterns, riveting attention to themselves.

People are different from each other and all have their flaws. You will not be able to find the perfect or ideally similar person to you. It just has to be accepted.

Try not to constantly compare your partner to others. Try to think about what is good about him, how you are like him, instead of thinking only about the bad. Why did you love him? Maybe for understanding, for his character, for his mind, for those things that have remained in him now, but you just stopped paying attention to them? Imagine these virtues in your mind and mentally thank the person for having them. Better tell your words young manhow grateful you are to him for his qualities and how you love him for that! He will be very pleased, he will see that his dignity is appreciated, and not ignored. Come on, do it today when you see him! And in general, try to praise him more often (but do not overdo it, avoid flattery) so that he sees how dear he is to you, and that you know how to discern in him what he, perhaps, most appreciates in himself, that he tries to support and develop ...

Of course, there are times when your partner is practically flawed. In this case, you do not need to look for a grain of good in him in order to grab hold of it. Here it is already necessary to change something in the relationship.

And remember, looking for positive aspects in another person does not mean accepting his shortcomings. Try to help him correct the shortcomings. But it is not necessary only from them to compose the appearance of a person.

Rule 7 - Be sincere and open

There is Ingmar Bergman's wonderful classic serial film Scenes from Marriage. The film shows how insincerity, secrecy, avoidance of "forbidden" topics can lead to outwardly prosperous relationships to collapse.

Do not bring the relationship to what the heroes of this picture brought them to (divorce). Remember, there are no "taboo" topics in a relationship. If you are tormented by doubts, fears, insecurity, talk about it to your partner. Let him know what you don't like in your relationship, listen to what he is experiencing discomfort and displeasure. Discuss it and come to a compromise. You don't need to avoid "sensitive" questions like sex, because this is also part of the relationship.

Of course, you should not try to forcibly find out all the secrets of your spouse, but yourself to reveal all your past secrets. This also needs to be balanced, as well as everything else with regard to your relationship.

Rule 8 - Grow your relationship by developing yourself!

It would be a big mistake to think that the relationship will develop by itself, as soon as they start. Relationships require constant attention, the involvement of both partners.

Development implies not only the strengthening of communication, for example, the decision to live together, marriage, the birth of children, but also the personal development of each partner!

Relationships sometimes require much more from people than loneliness, separate existence. Why? Because in order for the connection between two people to be strong and harmonious, both of them will need to step over the part of themselves that is the hardest to step over! Through your egoism, your endless desires.

Both partners need to learn to listen to the other, find a compromise, give in and care. But not everyone has these qualities and they often need to be developed. That is why I understand the problems of many young couples, which consist in the fact that there is a strong conflict of interests of two people, one of them or each is trying to do as he wants, without listening to the wishes of the partner.

And this is not surprising, just as there is nothing surprising in the fact that a person, starting a new job, does it with mistakes, since he has no experience. But relationships also require experience and certain skills. It happens that before a person had the first relationship, other people with their desires did not exist for him. There were his parents who took care of him, friends who did not demand much. And he had only his “I”, with all his desires, which he was used to satisfying without making allowances for other people. He does not even understand that there is another person who also wants something. And the desires of the partners do not always coincide.

The ability to find a compromise, to listen to another person is a skill that needs to be developed. From my reasoning, it might seem that relationships are some kind of prison that calls on a person to give up what is dear to him for his precious personality. But this is not the case. The development of compassion, empathy, the ability to say "no" to thousands of your "want" actually lead to freedom. Freedom from your selfish desires, your Ego, which commands us. Altruism is not a harsh self-restraint, it is an attempt to free oneself from anger, indulging one's weaknesses, stubbornness, fixation on oneself for the sake of joint happiness. And strong relationships, on the one hand, require a person to step over his egoism, on the other, they are an excellent school for the development of altruism, understanding and empathy. I will come back to this thought in the conclusion.

Relationships discipline and strengthen the personality and through this they themselves become stronger.

Rule 9 - Don't Build Relationships All About Sex

In our free age, after the atmosphere of puritanical morality began to evaporate in the relations of people around the world, which imposes a taboo on discussions of sex and belittles its role in the lives of spouses, people began to strive from one extreme to another. From the extreme of prohibition and secrecy to the extreme of openness and permissiveness.
Sex began to gain more and more importance for people. Undoubtedly, he is of considerable importance in a relationship. But here, too, a balance must be maintained without overestimating the role of sexual intimacy.

Many people see it as a disaster that sex is not as varied and violent as they would like it to be. This leads them either to break the existing relationship, or to seek relationships on the side. But in fact, sexual pleasure is just one of the many forms of love affair, besides it there are many manifestations of love!

Of course, there is nothing wrong with striving to improve the quality of your sex life. But you cannot dwell on it, believing that the absence of violent and frequent sex destroys your relationship, while everything else is in order. Maybe it's not a lack of everyday pleasure that makes you dissatisfied? Such you are made by your irrepressible, unbridled desires, which you cannot fully satisfy, no matter how many partners you have and how often you have sex! You cannot give full swing to your desires, not only because of some moral considerations, but because the more you indulge them, the more hungry, voracious and insatiable they become!

Constant sex with multiple partners will not make you happy, it will make you addicted!

Puritan prohibitions also had their own wisdom aimed at curbing spoilage, depravity and satiety. Although strict prohibitions are also extremes that should be avoided.

No matter how violent sex is, it is not able to bind two partners as tightly as empathy, friendship, deep understanding, care, love. Building relationships around sex means making them limited, weak, dependent, and incomplete.

Rule 10 - Accept that you may have different interests

Your interests don't have to be the same in everything. There is no need to look for similarities in everything and suffer because of the lack thereof. Today I was asked. “Nikolay, I see that your wife’s website is dedicated to esotericism, and you seem to be far from mysticism. How do you find a compromise between your views and your spouse's beliefs? "

The fact of the matter is that I cannot say that on this issue we have agreement and we strive for it. My wife believes in things that I don't believe in, but that's okay! Different people have different ideas and beliefs, that's how we are made. And the art of relationships is to stop making a big deal out of it, to accept the fact that people are different.

It took me a lot of work and time to learn a little not to take the beliefs of my half with hostility, not to argue about every issue, not to criticize them. I realized how important it is for her what she believes in and began to respect and appreciate it. After all, it brings joy and peace of mind to the person I love.

I cannot say that we are trying hard to come to some kind of compromise, a synthesis of my and my views with her beliefs. Despite the fact that in many places we agree in opinion, somewhere we strongly disagree with each other. But we try to just leave it as it is and accept it calmly. Why should one person rearrange their views to please another?

If your young man, for example, sometimes plays computer games, and you think this is a useless and stupid activity, then you do not need to strive to convince him every time of what nonsense he is doing, if it does not bring much harm to the family. If he allows himself this on rare occasions, then leave everything as it is. Respect someone else's small and harmless weakness. And the height of your generosity and understanding will be, for example, to present him with some kind of computer game, even if you think that this is a waste of money. But it will be pleasant for your young man!

Personally, it took me a lot of work to accept even small expenses of my wife on esotericism, which, of course, I considered meaningless. But I think I managed to go through this stage and come to the understanding that she likes it, as she loves it, therefore, these expenses cannot be empty. And I am very glad that I managed to overcome this rejection in myself.

On the other hand, if you yourself are a young man whom your spouse accuses that he devotes a couple of hours a week to computer games, take it easy. You don't need to ardently prove to her that you are self-developing and engage in polemics and quarrels. Yes, your wife cannot understand you, but leave it as it is, do not try to come to an agreement through quarrels and offenses. If you stop responding to her attacks, then sooner or later she will run out of "fuel" for accusations.

I do not mean to say that there is no need to strive for understanding and compromise. Try to understand how certain things are important to your soul mate. But if you cannot understand this in any way, these things seem empty and stupid to you, just accept it and let your loved one enjoy them. But here, too, you should not take this principle to an extreme and allow your partner to do some completely destructive behavior, for example, to drink every day or to be addicted to drugs. Everything has a limit.

Rule 11 - Know how to say no!

You should not constantly indulge the absurd demands of your spouse. If your significant other, for example, requires you to be accountable for every step you take, outside of his or her presence, then you don't have to satisfy that desire. You don't need to feed other people's flaws, such as fear and paranoia. You should not think that by denying your husband or wife something deeply unpleasant to you, you will lose his love and respect. On the contrary, in this way you will maintain and demonstrate your own independence, the presence of your will and your desires.

Rule 12 - Maintain a balance between time spent together and the independence of each partner

Try not to over-impose on your partner. Leave room for him to be independent. You should not try to control his every step and strive to fill all the time with being near him. I understand that this advice is difficult for those who see the meaning of life only in their love for one person. But the annoying desire to limit someone else's freedom can be met with resistance and rejection by your partner. To avoid becoming painfully attached to your husband or wife, learn to spend time alone with yourself. Indeed, in a relationship there should be room for loneliness and for your personal affairs. Find something that you enjoy, enjoy, do, and enjoy when your partner is not around. Do not reduce your whole life only to your relationships, expand the horizons of your hobbies and activities!

But at the same time, concern for their own independence should not grow into licentiousness and ignorance of relationships. Yes, on the one hand, you should not try to spend in each other's arms all the time, but also you should not neglect the care of the relationship and the attention that you can give to your spouse. And there is no need to endure the fact that your soul mate does not pay attention to you at all. How to find the balance?

Dating shouldn't be too rare if you're in a serious relationship, but at the same time, you don't have to see each other every day, unless, of course, both want to. If your husband sometimes meets with friends, with work partners, then there is nothing to worry about, he should have his own life. But if this develops into everyday activities after work, when he does not see you anyway, then this is already beyond the scope. In general, there can be no precise recommendations on how not to cross a certain line between imposition and the right to independence. You need to rely on your wisdom. Remember, the devil lives in extremes!

Rule 13 - Don't "Play Chamomile"

"We are doing so well, he is wonderful and caring, but it seems to me that I have lost strong feelings for him." People often make a big problem out of the absence of feelings.

Do not take the weakening of feelings as a symptom of problems in the relationship and need to take some action. Do not get attached to feelings, because they are temporary and fickle. Passion and strong love pass, such is the nature of man. Even when they manifest themselves in a relationship, they are not permanent: either they are there, then they are not, then you feel some kind of tide of tenderness towards your partner, but at another moment, listening to yourself, you understand that these feelings do not exist.

If you put such an unreliable and fickle thing as the basis of your relationship, then your relationship will become just as unreliable and fickle. It's like building wind power plants in one country exclusively. The weather is very changeable, so the supply of electricity to cities will be very unstable.

I am not saying that emotions should be completely neglected. You just shouldn't see them as the only criterion for your relationship. Don't get attached to them. If your husband is really caring and empathetic, if you are doing well, then you don't have to constantly play chamomile and try to evoke feelings in yourself. So, on the contrary, you will attract tension and doubts, which will prevent you from discerning some emotions. Therefore, relax, enjoy the relationship, stop thinking about it, and then feelings will come by themselves, and then they will leave again, only to return later. After all, they are the same unpredictable element, like the wind!

Or perhaps, having relaxed, you will understand that there have always been feelings, just because of your desire for strong feelings, for unbridled passion, you have already forgotten how to distinguish softer emotions. The abundance of bright sensual colors at the beginning of a relationship can distort your vision, so that you temporarily stop seeing calm tones.

The same can be applied to your expectations from a partner. Don't expect him to be always Romeo in love. His feelings are as fickle as yours. Make allowances for the fact that men tend to be more reserved in expressing their feelings than women.

Rule 14 - Learn Diplomacy

I am sure that many of those who read this article are faced with the problem that they would like to positively influence their partner, but they cannot do it. Your partner pays no attention to you or has shortcomings that he does not want to correct, and you can in no way guide him on the right path. You are worried about your relationship and you have a very noble desire to fix it. I think that those who are used to letting things go by themselves are unlikely to read about how to fix a relationship. So this is a little compliment to you.

Change, fix a partner - very difficult task and not always feasible. I know about it firsthand. For a long time my wife could not do absolutely anything with my laziness, indifference, violent emotions, licentiousness, irresponsibility and infantilism. Of course, I didn't want to listen to anything, because, as it seemed to me, I myself knew everything better than anyone, and no one could be a decree to me. And I understand that such pride is characteristic of many people, especially men. They are more than women subject to the illusion that they know everything about everything, that they are always right. They always strive to form an opinion about every thing in the world in advance, even if they don't understand something. They do not want to accept someone else's help and someone else's support, and if they do use it, then without gratitude.

I, of course, do not generalize and do not want to say that all men behave this way. I just met more men with the described qualities than women. Yes, and I myself was like that. And I must not have been helped by any assurances until I myself wanted to change.

Therefore, I understand how difficult it is to explain something to a proud man, who is much more important to stay in the paradigm of his ideas and beliefs, to feel right than to correct, to become better. His pride, like a wall, can reflect all sincere attempts to help. So how can you influence your partner. I think that the issue of subtle diplomacy requires a separate article, which I may publish. But I will give you a few tips.

There is no need to aggressively impose on a person some truths with which he does not agree. Encourage him to try everything on his own experience, to be convinced of everything for himself. Make it appear that your partner got it all by himself, and not at your command. Praise him and show him how much you appreciate his efforts to overcome deficiencies.

But at the same time, do not scold for failures, urge to calmly try again and again. You don't need to tell him how bad he is, rather tell him how you suffer because of his shortcomings and how you would like him to overcome them. Conduct a dialogue with him, be interested in his success, suggest new methods. Let him at least try, and if something doesn't work, he will have the right to give it up. Help and guide, but at the same time leave room for self-reliance.

Rule 15 - Build relationships on trust

The more you demonstrate trust in your partner, the more difficult it will be for him to cheat that trust. After all, it is much worse to lose what you have than just to confirm the already existing fears and suspicions. If possible, avoid paranoia, constant checks, surveillance, leading questions. As I wrote in the article about, this behavior does not serve to strengthen relationships, but only slowly destroys them.

While of course you cannot trust someone who is constantly cheating on you, over-trusting is also bad! Be careful not to let all sorts of crooks spin your head and play with your feelings. If a person deceived your trust one or more times, draw conclusions and be vigilant!

Rule 16 - Always do more than is required of you

Often old lovers get tired of any manifestation of initiative, creativity and desire for novelty. They get used, each to their own, unspoken duties, and do not want to do anything that goes beyond their scope.

But new positive trends in relationships, fresh initiative are always good! It brings people closer together, awakens dormant feelings, helps to feel care and warmth, and not indifference and cold. therefore make unexpected gifts and surprises, master the skill of family life that is alien to you. If you are a man, start cooking, making it easier for your spouse to do this. If you are a woman, come up with something pleasant and useful to please and surprise your spouse. Be creative and creative.

Think about what your soul mate wants, what can make her job easier and do something pleasant for him or her. Here it comes not only about making an unexpected surprise, but also about taking part in your partner's life, stop focusing only on your life and your problems.

Rule 17 - Be Prepared to Let Go of a Deadlocked Relationship

This article provides tips on how to build and improve relationships. I believe it's better to try to fix a potentially good relationship a few times than to end it. My wife did not leave me five years ago, despite my inability then to think about anyone other than myself. Since then, I have changed drastically, realized my mistakes and corrected them, which also helped me write this article. But it took me a while to change, and I understand that well. Therefore, I urge everyone to give their halves a chance, because who knows what the future may come from what is now?

But a balance must be struck here. In general, this whole article is about balance. After all, relationships are the embodiment of compromise, and the art of conducting relationships, exactly like it, is the ability to balance between several extremes. Therefore, all the advice here is ambiguous, they do not tell you "do this, do not do that", they rather give us direction, relying on your wisdom to find the golden mean. Try to fix your partner, but at the same time do not put all your weight on. Give freedom, but at the same time do not allow the relationship to be neglected. Give in, but in some situations say a clear "no". Trying to understand other people's interests, but accept that understanding is not always possible ...

And I realize that while it’s better to fix the relationship in some situations, in other situations it’s better to end it altogether. If your partner behaves systematically in a way that you don't like, despite your attempts to positively influence him. If he offends you, does not handle anger well, spreads his hands and does not want to correct. If you have done everything to improve the relationship, but your efforts have led to nothing. If you are constantly suffering from other people's grievances and unfair suspicions. Then it is better to think about how to end such a relationship. Especially if you are still young and have no children. Don't worry, you will find a better partner. You don't deserve to be a martyr or babysitter for someone else's life.

Conclusion - Relationships and Self-Development

The ability to maintain relationships is determined by the personal skills of both partners: caring, altruism, understanding of the other, the ability to yield and compromise. Relationships are not a market economywhere everyone can prosper only by taking care of themselves exclusively.

I returned to this question again, since this is the most important thing. And most of the problems in relationships occur precisely because of selfishness and unwillingness to put oneself in the place of another!

Relationships serve not to satisfy your pride, sensuality, selfishness, but for the harmonious coexistence and development of two people! As I wrote above, relationships can help you develop altruism and understanding, as well as many other skills. In my opinion, a long-term relationship between a man and a woman is a school of self-development and personal education! And the positive experience that you get from life with your wife or husband, you can apply absolutely in any relationship, with subordinates or bosses, with friends or opponents, with children or retirees. He will also serve you as a reliable support in many situations. After all, diplomacy, patience, the ability to listen are the qualities that are simply necessary for achieving success in life and personal happiness.

I often meet people who have relationship problems or have no relationship at all. For some of them, the relationship is a series of suffering and quarrels.

Others are simply in a permanent search, and they just cannot find a permanent partner: all their attempts to maintain a long-term relationship turn out to be a failure. Still others are simply not looking for anyone, either they very much doubt themselves, or they just like to be alone.

But in many cases, all these people have one thing in common: not only changeable fortune or poor choice of partners prevents them from finding marital happiness. Often these people simply lack personal qualities, without which it will be difficult to maintain these relationships. These people are infantile, devoid of a sense of responsibility, overly demanding and harsh or, on the contrary, extremely soft-spoken, cannot cope with their changeable emotions, cannot listen and understand the needs of other people, are selfish, withdrawn and shy, prone to fears and anxieties. This list can be continued for a long time, but one thing is important: if a person wants a long-term relationship, then he must have some qualities.

(I'm not going to say that all lonely people are like that. Not at all. Some of them really like loneliness and independence. They feel self-sufficient and are able to lead a harmonious life without any permanent relationships. I have nothing against, this is a personal choice of each Also, I want to make it clear that if you understand that you have severe relationship problems, it does not necessarily mean that the problem is rooted in your personality, it happens that the reason for this is related to your partner or external factors.

But, nevertheless, what I wrote about above happens and, moreover, often.)

This does not mean that he should have these qualities initially. Each person can change for the better and love and family connection can help him in this.
I see human relationships as fertile ground for the personal development of two people united by one bond. By strengthening this relationship, you will not only make your connection with your husband or wife more reliable, but you yourself will become better and happier.

Every fairy tale should end with something good, but in real life it is different. Chilling a relationship is an insidious beast that slowly creeps up to a happy couple, spreading its influence over them. Quarrels, conflicts, reproaches begin, and your soup is no longer as tasty as before.

And now the girl begins to think about the factors that led to the cooling of the relationship, but which she tried not to notice, in view of the female complaisance. Any resentment, mistrust and jealousy signals that a “crack” has begun. The sooner a girl begins to pay attention to these signals, the easier it will be for her to correct the situation.

A person in a state of stress and emotional pressure cannot put himself in the place of another or adequately understand what he is being told. Every word in such a situation is perceived as a direct threat.

It is necessary to understand where is the root, which day after day feeds your relationship with cold and misunderstanding.

Reasons for cooling relations

• Life experience. Often people with different life experiences cannot get along, because they look at the world from different "heights".
• Views, tastes, priorities. All these factors that shape a person, as a person, also affect relationships, because each of us wants the thoughts of a loved one to coincide with ours.
• Sex. Whatever one may say, but sex is the most important part of the relationship, which affects both partners. And if the girl thinks that everything is fine, it does not mean that the guy is happy.
• Needs. Each of us wants something. It is a natural and integral part of man. But in most cases, it is difficult to understand what you want from life or from your partner, which leads to disagreements and misunderstandings.
• The trust. Failure or unwillingness to establish strong trusting relationships can destroy all feelings to the very foundation.
• Psychological trauma of childhood. Childhood ends sometime, and problems grow into adults and bring even more discomfort into our lives.

Armed with this knowledge, you will be able to understand what exactly influenced your relationship and you will be able to build a plan for further actions.

Methods, methods and principles of building relationships

More often than not, building relationships is a long and laborious process, because it is always easier to destroy than to build. Therefore, before starting to do something, you must be patient.

You need to set yourself up in advance to give in.

There are eight “golden” components of a good and strong relationship.

Care

Each girl is a future mother, and not only children, but also her entire family. It is necessary to treat a young man with understanding and attention, because absolutely every guy wants to feel surrounded by fragile female tenderness.

Harmony

A woman in the eyes of a man is, first of all, an affectionate creature that requires a reverent attitude, but not every girl behaves accordingly. The concept of "lady" has long become an overabundance of time, which creates a lot of problems in relationships. A real woman never makes scenes and tantrums, restrains herself even when it is offensive and painful.

Self-assessment

A man would rather live alone than with a girl who constantly makes him feel inferior or stupid. Therefore, every girl should protect male pride, increase his self-esteem and never humiliate herself in his presence. Live by the principle - you are the best with each other.

Respect

Every boy, both big and small, demands due respect. This character trait is inherent in every man, because they are earners and protectors. Do not skimp on praise if he really deserves it.

Patience

Changing a man is a very bad impossible goal. If a girl is not ready to accept a guy for who he is, she should abandon the relationship with him. Men are not ready to change, even for the sake of great love.

Sex

In the first couples, sex brings you both pleasure, because you simply cannot get enough of each other, but in every relationship there comes a time when you start to get tired. It is then that you have to think about how to shake up and refresh intimate relationships.

Personal space

Every man needs a personal space. Even a few hours at the computer help a man to distract himself from problems and give him the opportunity to distance himself from thoughts. Girls can take offense as much as they want, but at this time the guy doesn't even want to see his beloved. He must be on his own. It gives men a sense of freedom.

Love

We all have a right to love. Therefore, love your man, show him your feelings in every way and remain feminine. After all, female love should always remain tender, affectionate, but strong.

Building relationships with a guy you like ...

Desire alone is not enough, you need to stock up on strength and patience, because most often this is a long process.

Getting in touch with a guy you like is not easy. Most often, the problem is that a girl, blinded by feelings, begins to behave stupidly and even defiantly, which has the opposite effect.

In such a situation, the girl should remain herself, not overplay, but simply and carelessly maintain the conversation, demonstrating ease and confidence. After all, every man wants to see an interesting, confident and optimistic lady next to him.

There is a practice of unusual acquaintances, when a couple meets in a place that will provide them with an unforgettable experience and will charge them with bright emotions. In this case, the guy will not be able to forget you, even if he wants to. He will always associate you with something unusual.

In the conversation, it is necessary to support his hobbies. If you are planning a relationship, then you should immediately determine whether you are ready to put up with certain quirks of your chosen one.

It is extremely important not to argue with guys. The opponent in the eyes of the guy becomes an enemy object that must be eliminated. Better at times to agree than to stir up a fight.

It's easier for a positive girl to get attention. Sour mines have long been out of fashion! Smile and you will certainly be noticed.

How to make up after a quarrel? Restoring relationships

It is imperative to admit that you are wrong. Nobody likes stubborn people, especially when you want understanding, and your beloved is making an innocent victim out of herself, although she herself made all the mess. Dear girls, learn to admit that you are wrong! In the male world, this is not an act of humiliation, but a manifestation of strength, for which they will only respect you more.

Usually, men have only two reasons to quarrel: when their freedom or self-esteem is infringed upon.

If the quarrel occurred for the first reason, then it is necessary to give him what he wants. If the girl gives in and gives the guy personal space, then in a few weeks she will feel how much loved and appreciated. No matter how men fight for freedom, they still cannot live without their beloved woman.

If the quarrel was due to the insult of a man by a woman, then apology and encouragement would be the best policy. Such an insult lingers in a man's head for a long time, so you need to be careful with words.

How to restore a relationship after a breakup?

Before thinking about this question, it is worth asking yourself the question: is it worth it? If the relationship didn't work out the first time, there may have been a reason. Do you need to stir up old wounds and remember the past, if everything is so tempting ahead?

If feelings nevertheless boiled the blood a second time, then it is necessary to determine whether your desire to restore relations is mutual?

Without reciprocity, it is unlikely that anything will come of it, unless, of course, you approach this issue with special cunning. Here books on male psychology and popular ways of seduction will help you.

There is no need for special techniques to restore relations by mutual agreement. Try to no longer admit situations that caused you to break up in the past, experiment, do something new together. Each of you should have the feeling that this is a completely new relationship.

Is it possible to make peace at a distance?

Perhaps this is the most difficult topic, because everything is more difficult to do at a distance. Constant quarrels due to mistrust, jealousy or suspicion lead to frequent breaks and after that the girl sits with a phone in her hand, wanting to fix everything, because only after a scandal does she begin to realize that she has gotten excited.

The first time it is worth taking a break from each other. Just a couple of days to catch your breath and cool down. After that, you should carefully approach the guy with a conciliatory conversation, but you should also think about: is it worth continuing the relationship if you are not ready to get rid of suspicion and jealousy?

How to improve relations after my betrayal ...

The best medicine in this case is only time. Such wounds heal at a distance. A man must decide for himself whether to trust a woman. And a woman, in turn, needs to think about the motives of her act.

An apology is unlikely to help, but it's always worth a try. Of all the above cases, this one is perhaps the most difficult and long-term to recover, because we are talking about trust. There is no need to put pressure on the guy with obsessive vows of eternal love and your "I will never do this again." Men in this matter do not experience an excess of naivety.

Patience and only patience. Show the guy that you are sorry, but do not make a victim, because it is your fault. Show that you can be trusted. Do not trust, but believe! If there was love, it will help in reconciliation.

Zodiac sign to help

• Aries. Aries needs to be admired, but not overdo it in this matter. Excessive courtesies can lead to the development of selfishness.
• Calf. Taurus require proper respect for themselves, so to be near them, you need to strive only for perfection.
• Twins. Gemini love with their ears. Compliments, rewards and even flattery are your main weapons.
• Cancer. Cancers need to trust their beloved, after which their vulnerable nature will certainly want to satisfy all her desires.
• a lion. Next to Leos, only the strongest and most enduring women can withstand. Leo's love is reserved cold feelings.
• Virgo. Unpredictable Virgos can behave in completely different ways. Today they don't like freedom, tomorrow they don't like commitment.
• Libra. The calmest sign of the zodiac and, perhaps, the most proactive. If the girl seems to the guy the one, the only one, he can immediately call her in marriage.
• Scorpio. Most often, Scorpios look closely and carefully evaluate their partner.
• Sagittarius. This zodiac sign is easy to please, but difficult to earn love. Such a man should always have a goal.
• Capricorn. One should not forget about the vulnerable soul of Capricorn, even if it is a two-meter athlete. Sex is important, but the emotional and physical parts are always separate for Capricorn.
• Aquarius. Only an extremely unusual and interesting girl will conquer the heart of Aquarius. The mind plays a decisive role in this situation.
• Fish. The most selfish zodiac sign requires spectacular girls, and for development serious relationships also the presence of the mind.

Errors of girls in this matter

Girls need to learn to be silent. In the process of building a relationship, a guy can begin to express his point of view. In order not to inflame the conflict even more, the girl must be able to retreat from participating in the quarrel.

Resentment often makes us say evil or careless words, but we should not take everything to heart. Remind yourself often why you want to make up and how important your beloved is to you.

And it is very important to remember that it is easier for a man to find a replacement than to waste time on meaningless arguments and sorting out the relationship.

Even if you are beautiful and smart, don't be under the illusion that a guy is ready to change for you.

1. Dont lie.
2. Listen and most importantly hear what the guy says.
3. Not to speak for him, that is, not to think out the answers that the girl did not hear in time.
4. Keep an eye on the mood of your partner, stay optimistic.
5. Pay attention to his interests, inner world.
6. Show support.
7. Desire him.
8. Be proactive.
9. Don't focus on small things.

Answers to other frequently asked questions

How to renew your relationship with your ex?

For herself, the girl must decide: is it necessary to restore the lost relationship? Most often, in this matter, girls are guided by feelings, and followed by common sense. Reconsider the reasons for your breakup and try to show the young man that you are ready to avoid the same mistakes and are determined to move only forward.

How to improve a relationship with a guy if he doesn't want to talk?

The main thing is not to force. The man is his own master. No guy will tolerate pressure, so the only way out is to wait until the young man himself wants to make contact. If the offense on his part is not critical and he really loves you very much, you can put a little pressure on pity.

"How to save a relationship?" is one of the most common questions I hear from clients. The reason for such a request may be different - the relationship is not developing, frozen or falling apart altogether. But there is only one request - to help establish them.

In this text, I will focus on three main factors that most often turn out to be the reasons for the deterioration and breakdown of relationships, and I will tell you what can save your love in each case.

Conflicts

You constantly quarrel, find out who is right and who is wrong, make claims to each other. Before taking any action, try to understand what is the real cause of your conflicts.

A) Violation of the balance of significance. If your importance is low, conflicts will accompany the relationship all the time. Therefore, the first step is to increase your importance. The methods here are selected individually, but the general recommendation is to value yourself more. The main reason for the imbalance of importance is that you do a lot for your friend and get little in return. Quarrels over this imbalance build up like a snowball. The result is an endless conflict that cannot be stopped. But I urge everyone who reads this text to change the situation with themselves. It is you who sharply react to the situation, giving rise to conflicts. It is easy to say: “this hysterical woman turned our relationship into a nightmare”, and shove the responsibility for our life onto another person. To begin with, consider whether you are doing too much for the person without an answer from her. If so, just cut back on investments, and do not take out your friend's brain whining that you do not feel her love and care.

B) Life... Often conflicts arise over household issues, when people cannot decide who to do the cleaning or walk the dog. On this topic, I recommend reading a good book "The strategy of family life. How to wash the dishes less often, have sex more often, and quarrel less "by Jenny Anderson. The main solution is to establish rules and negotiate everyday life. Read the book - you will understand how to remove an everyday question.

C) Struggle for power. The most meaningless, but violent, type of conflict is the battle for truth, where people just want to prove they are right. Instead of solving the problem, they want to win the fight. This is a serious problem, but you still have to start with yourself. Ask yourself which is more important - to be happy or to be right. If the first is, learn to listen to the girl and try to understand her point of view. But don't go too far. There are those who like to broadcast that the secret of a happy relationship is to fully satisfy all the whims of a partner. As a rule, such heresy is brought into the head of female trainers, but guys also often broadcast ideas about the unquestioning fulfillment of a woman's desires. This is a harmful myth. If you only care about your partner, the first variant of the problem will come with a skewed balance of significance and acute conflicts due to the fact that they began to wipe your feet about you. So be attentive not only to your friend's needs, but also to yours. In a relationship, both should be happy.

Jealousy and betrayal

Cheating and jealousy I combine here into one topic, because often cheating is a product of the imagination of an suspicious partner, but his jealousy destroys the relationship just as if he was really cheated on.

A) Treason... If you have changed, honestly admit to yourself if you want to continue the relationship. What kind of betrayal was this - the demon beguiled or a deliberate attempt to change a partner? And if you want to change your relationship, it's better to do it. If the betrayal was accidental, never tell your partner about it. Your desire to ease your mind and stay honest can ruin your relationship. Admitting to treason is one of the stupidest actions, the consequences of which will only be your fault. But, let's say, you still did a stupid thing, confessed, and the relationship cracked. Use "closer-further" to make the girl fall in love with you new strength, and the fact of treason ceased to worry her so much.

If you have been unfaithful, here you need to answer a question that will determine further steps: "Can I forgive the betrayal?" Not pretending and persuading yourself for a couple of weeks, but really forgiving. Able, the girl swears that she is very sorry, and the betrayal will never happen again - live on. But then, in any conflict, it is not necessary to remind that she, a dissolute, is to blame for you all her life and will forever pay for that betrayal. Don't use her mistake as leverage in the future. If you are not ready or could not forgive - leave. Do not torture yourself. There are times when a girl does not repent and directly declares: "Yes, she cheated, Achotakova?" Then it's definitely better to leave. Not because she is of free morals, but because your value to her is zero. Of course, you can try playing manipulative games, but this is extremely difficult and requires huge changes. Are you ready to spend a huge amount of your resources and become a different person? You can fall in love with your ex again. But be prepared for the fact that after returning you will already begin to think: "is she needed now?"

B) Jealousy. This feeling is almost always destructive and leads to the collapse of the relationship. In small doses, jealousy is pleasant - the partner feels needed and desired. But if it turns into jealousy of the stake, it's a disaster. Let me indicate right away: pathological jealousy, which cannot be controlled, is a disease. A jealous person needs a specialist. But it happens that a person is simply not sure of himself, thinks that he is a pathetic insignificance and does not represent anything of himself. Well, he suffers from the fact that he is not worthy of his partner. Maybe these fears really have a basis, but still do not torment your girlfriend with jealousy. If she wants, she will change, and jealousy with excessive vigilance will not insure against this. It is not jealousy that will help you strengthen your position, but your development and changes. Instead of controlling the girl, take care of yourself. But it is by developing oneself, and not by adjusting to the tastes of his girlfriend. By the way, on this occasion, girls are often given recommendations to please all the whims of a man, to be an ideal friend, to learn how to cook the perfect borscht and do the perfect blowjob, which, they say, then he won't look at anyone else. How will he look. And on the one who does not cook borscht and does not like blowjob, but the feelings are much stronger. The most important thing is to monitor the balance of significance and, in the process of working on yourself, not turn into a servant of your partner, but raise your level.

If you got a jealous girl, balance is again a problem. Help her grow up and feel more confident, then jealousy will be less. I do not recommend going along the second path - to drain your personal territory, to allow you to freely get into your phone and computer, just not to be jealous. With this behavior, your importance will naturally fall, and it will increase. And in the end, she will also leave you. Therefore, defend your personal space and do not lose yourself. And if you got a girl with pathological jealousy - send her to the doctor or leave. You just can't get rid of jealousy.

Dependencies

Alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction and other addictions eat a person's life. Addictions are the worst cause of relationship breakdown. Let's face it, men are more susceptible to addictions, and women are more likely to disentangle the consequences of living with an addict. If, instead of going to the movies with a girl or having sex, a man runs to his charm, there are two options for the development of events:

A) Severe addictions (alcoholism and drug addiction) are treated only by doctors. Partner, parents, friends won't do anything here. And here I want to write for women: with your love and attempts to pull the addict out of the swamp, you will not cure him, but only turn him into an angry creature that will beat you and your children, just to get a new dose of your high. Therefore, only contact a specialist. This will take tremendous effort. But you have to understand that if a person promises you for the hundredth time: “Dadada, I gave you a bruise, but I swear, this is the last time,” or “it was not me, this is vodka. I will never take a drop in my mouth again ”, and after three days again as an insole - he doesn't care about you, and he only loves alcohol. He won't change for you. No need to put yourself in this prison with a ghoul jailer. You deserve so much more. Part with this person without any doubts or remorse. If the guy wants to do something with his addiction and is ready to be treated - ok, support and, if you love, help him go this way.

B) Light version - this is when the enemy is not alcoholism and drug addiction, but addictions of a lighter order, for example, tanks. Here you can fight on your own. But proceed from the fact that your importance in comparison with the tanks is small. Fear of loss works best in this case. Start paying less attention to your partner, stay at home less often, and stay late at work more often. If you just started dating, periodically dodge dating. He must understand that he has ceased to be in the center of your world and may soon lose you altogether. This should get him distracted from the computer and get a little worried. If he didn't even notice that something had changed, it doesn't matter either - in the process of moving away, you will definitely find a worthy replacement for your general of the sofa troops. An indicator of the effectiveness of the chosen method is to increase the flow of attention in your direction. So you are doing everything right and continue in the same spirit.

In this text, I have discussed the main dangers to relationships. Now you have a rough idea of \u200b\u200bhow to act in any of these situations, whether it makes sense to save the relationship, and in what ways to do it. Good luck!

How to improve your relationship with your husband? Despite the global nature of this issue, I believe that there are such recommendations that help to build relationships in any couple, regardless of age, level of problem and the amount of time spent together. And even if it seems to you that the relationship is already on the brink - I am convinced there are ways to restore them and make them much better, warmer, closer, happier than they ever were.

In this article, I want to draw your attention to the intricacies of the relationship between a man and a woman, which you did not know or did not pay enough attention to. But you will not get the desired effect from the recommendations you have followed if you do not feel what you are saying. Words, deeds and a desire to improve relationships should be sincere, and the attitude towards a man should be respectful. This is the only way you will succeed.

How to improve your relationship with your husband - 5 easy steps

Here are five simple steps to improve your relationship with your husband.

Step # 1: Find Out What You Don't Like

Take a piece of paper and a pen. First, you need to find out from yourself - what exactly does not suit you in your current relationship, and what needs to change so that you say that now everything is as it should be. This will give you a clear understanding of how to build relationships. To do this, ask yourself two simple questions and answer them honestly:

• Who am I in this relationship?
• What role do I play in them?

These two questions will help you understand if you are in love or emotionally addicted, and if your relationship is healthy. If you hear yourself answer, such as “victim” or “a woman who wants to be loved,” you are probably in a dependent relationship. How to get out of this state and start building healthy and mature relationships, you can read in this one.

There can be many possible answers to these questions, so try to analyze them yourself. What are you doing that has shaped your relationship role? If you do not like your answer, what do you think needs to be done to leave this role now?

Now let's continue to find out what your personal dissatisfaction with the relationship is. Let's move on to questions about values. Ask yourself now and write down the detailed answers:

• Why do I need this relationship?
• What do they give me?
• What is so important to me that I get in this relationship?
• What's good about them?
• What values \u200b\u200bdo I want to realize through a partner?
• Do I manage to realize these values?
• Which of my values \u200b\u200bare not being realized in the relationship at the moment?

Your values \u200b\u200bin relationships can be, for example, like this - to feel happy, to communicate on deep topics. Friendship, respect, understanding, care, security, money, etc.

As a rule, people enter into relationships in order for someone to realize their values, to fill the "voids". If your partner is not able to implement them, then only an addicted relationship awaits you. And if you have been in a relationship for a long time, then, most likely, the discord happened because some of your values \u200b\u200bwere realized before, but now for some reason they have stopped. In other words, you stopped getting from the relationship what you got before. Write down which of your values \u200b\u200bhave been embodied in the relationship in the past, but are not now.

This was the first step in which we found out what caused the breakdown in the relationship for you at a deep level. Now let's move on to what the partner feels.

Step # 2: How to find out what doesn't suit him

At the initial stage of a relationship, a person falls in love with you if you coincide with him in values \u200b\u200band are ready to satisfy most of them. For example, you both want to live in your house, not your apartment. Both want two children, not eight. Both love dogs more than cats. Both want a long, serious relationship, not a short sexual adventure. If your values \u200b\u200bare at least 60% different, your relationship is unlikely to last long. But if you have lived together for more than three years, then you can overcome any discord.

So, how do you know what exactly on the level of values \u200b\u200bhas ceased to satisfy your partner?

The first thing you need to do is mentally step into his place. So you can understand what he expects from you. What exactly could be the solution to the problem for him.

It is impossible to mentally take his place if you have aggression towards him. First, you need to calm down. How to get rid of aggression, you can read in this.

So, enter into his position, into his position. And think with his thoughts: “What do I need for her to do so that I want to change the situation for the better? What are my values \u200b\u200bnot being realized in a relationship? What am I missing? How can you motivate me to make myself madly want to improve relations? " Look at the situation through his eyes.

Motivation is of two types - "motivation from" and "motivation for". For example, you can motivate a man to do something by threatening him with a lack of sex (motivation from) or vice versa, by doing something that he would be insanely happy about (motivation for). In a relationship with a man, try to always choose the second type of motivation. Each favorable outcome of this motivation will strengthen your union and bring you closer.

So, you took the place of your partner and understood what he needed. Which of his values \u200b\u200bdo you implement and which do not. And they learned what needed to be done to make him madly want to make peace. Write it all down.

Step # 3: How to improve your relationship with your husband - the right fight

Now you clearly know what exactly does not satisfy you in your current relationship, and assume that it does not satisfy your husband in it. You also realize what may motivate him to reconcile.

Let's move on to how to restore a relationship, knowing all this. The first step you must take is to quarrel correctly. A correct quarrel is always growth, development in a relationship. It excludes the so-called you-messages (reproaches, discontent, complaints), and instead is filled exclusively with I-messages (expressing your needs and desires). Here are examples of you-messages: “You come late all the time”, “You never wash your dishes”, “You never understood me”. Quarrels filled with such messages have no effect. They only distance you from each other, creating a cold atmosphere of disharmony and rejection in the house.

You-messages are the transfer of responsibility from yourself to another. In order to quarrel correctly, constructively, you need to learn to take responsibility for yourself.

Examples of self-messages: “I don't like that you come late. This makes me sad. I would like you to come on time, it will make me happy. "

“It’s unpleasant for me that you don’t wash your dishes. It upsets me. It would be wonderful if you washed it next time. I will be very happy about that. "

“When I see that you do not understand me, I get upset. It pains me to realize that you are not trying to do this. Please listen to me more carefully. And I, in turn, will try to convey my idea more clearly. I will be happy if you listen and understand me. "

The main difference between “you” and “me” messages is that in the first case, you completely relieve yourself of responsibility and shift it onto the interlocutor, and in the second, you express your dissatisfaction, while leaving the focus on yourself. The i-message algorithm is as follows:

1. You without judgment, without emotion express the essence of your resentment
2. Describe your feelings and emotions caused by the situation
3. Express your wishes by proposing possible alternative options for partner behavior that would suit you

When describing your wishes, you can also attach feelings and emotions to them. "I will be glad if", "I will be so grateful to you", "I will be happy."

Thus, you can always communicate in the language of self-messages. Such communication will make your relationship harmonious. A correct quarrel always leads to rapprochement, the development of relations. Partners learn to listen to each other and implement what the other needs.

And don't forget about sincerity! If you don't feel what you are saying, it won't work.

Much more about how to defend your boundaries in a relationship so that you are heard and listened to - in my book. After reading it, you will become stronger and more confident, learn to defend boundaries and say "no", you will stop holding in yourself and endure. Understand your true desires and begin to fulfill them. And most importantly, you will be able to improve relations with your husband, because you will learn to easily talk about everything that does not suit you, and change it.

After reading this book, you will forget how to live in a world in which something does not suit you, and you will begin to change everything that you would like to change. You can read the description, reviews and purchase the book.

Step # 4: Dealing with the Depths of a Lingering Fight

At the beginning of the article, we talked about values \u200b\u200b- yours and your partner's. Now let's move on to active action... Step four is a frank conversation. Talk to your partner seriously. You can tell him what work you've done by thinking about him and your values \u200b\u200bin the relationship. Talk through self-messages which of your values \u200b\u200bare being implemented in the relationship and which have ceased. And why would you so want them back. Express your wishes and suggest alternative options for the partner's behavior. Do it calmly and carefully, without shifting responsibility to him.

Then move on to his values. Ask if you guessed correctly? Or maybe he wants something completely different from the relationship? Invite him to speak in the same way as you did. Let your partner talk about themselves, their feelings and emotions, without shifting everything onto you. Try to explain to him how it works. Ideally, let him read this article.

Now slowly begin to understand each other deeper. Talking about values \u200b\u200bwill give you an understanding of what is actually causing the discord in the relationship. Fighting on a deeper level than screaming over unwashed dishes and poorly cooked dinner will give you a bond of closeness and understanding of what you both want from each other. You will also understand how you both can give it to each other. One such fruitful quarrel will save you several years of misunderstanding. And perhaps on the same day it will give a new start to your relationship.

Step # 5: new relationship

Start building your relationship in a new way. Introduce the right fights into them. Remove from your life you-messages that lead to the collapse of any relationship. Every time you are not satisfied with something, remember the formula for the self-message: "Situation-feeling-wishes." Use it constantly. Very soon it will reach your automatism, and then it will safely descend to the subconscious level, and you will always quarrel like this, without prompting.

Even if your husband is not in the mood for this kind of communication, he will imperceptibly become your reflection. It is impossible for a calm person who takes responsibility for their values \u200b\u200bto respond with rudeness. If not quickly, then gradually he will move to your level of communication. You will talk like adults, instead of throwing you-messages, tossing them to each other like hotcakes.

After you have established a relationship with your husband, I recommend that you read the articles about and about. With their help, you will be able to establish a balance in the family and learn how to build mature, harmonious, respectful and, most importantly, long-term relationships.

Everything sounds great, but ...

Relationships between people are formed through their beliefs, life experiences, conditions and circumstances of their past, and for the most part unconsciously. Therefore, you will not be able to objectively look at the situation between you and your husband on your own, for this, as a rule, you need a specialist.

I am a psychologist and I conduct consultations via Skype. Together with you at the consultation, we will be able to understand what has shaped the relationship you have now, and how it can be changed. you can find more information to get to know me better.

You can sign up for a consultation through in contact with, instagram or . You can get acquainted with the cost of services and the scheme of work. You can read or leave reviews about me and my work.

Conclusion

Congratulations, now you know much better how to improve your relationship with your husband. Any relationship can be made happy by going to the depths. Let me briefly remind you of 5 steps to restore a warm, respectful relationship:

Step one. Learn about your own values. Having understood why you entered into a relationship, you will be able to remember which of your values \u200b\u200bwere realized at the very beginning and which of them stopped being fulfilled. So you will understand what does not suit you at a deep level.

Step two.Put yourself in his place and think with his thoughts. Ask yourself the same questions about values \u200b\u200bthat you asked yourself in the first step.

Step three.Learn to quarrel correctly, without shifting responsibility to your partner. Express your wishes and offer an alternative. And don't forget about feelings.

Step four.Talk about values \u200b\u200busing the self-message technique. Knock your own and his depths. Make a decision to satisfy each other's values.

Step five.Start a new relationship in which both of you take responsibility. Even if only you do it, over time the husband will move to your level. After all, we are all reflections of each other.

And don't forget to download my book. it can be downloaded at a symbolic price of 349 rubles. With its help, you will learn to defend yourself and your boundaries at a click, you will cease to be a convenient person. You will stop complaining and immediately learn from me everything that does not suit you in a relationship. This book will be a great help to improve your relationship with your husband, and also make your life happier! After all, you will forget how to live in a world where something does not suit you.

I am a psychologist, and the sphere of relations is one of the key ones in my work. You can turn to me for a psychological one.With a specialist, you will get a solution to the problem much faster, I will help you establish relationships with your husband and bring them to a new level, as well as understand yourself and relationships, understand the causes of problems and get rid of them, become happy and a harmonious person.